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Survival Rate

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rosered17	Survival Rate	Lead	[-]
Posts: 187 (06/10/09 23:15:39) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Survival Rate spring- now the snow plow has mixed most of his driveway with the lawn seven percent? he slowly sweeps it back and finds a dime growing in the grass coin date- 2008, August afternoon CAT scan, cancer, killer this can't be chemo is on Tuesdays and he's calling for the doctor, no the dump truck to drop drip deliver another load Survival Rate spring- now the snow plow has mixed most of his driveway with the lawn seven percent? he slowly sweeps it back and finds a dime growing in the grass coin date- 2008, August afternoon CAT scan, cancer, killer six months, can't be, chemo is on Tuesdays and he's calling for the doctor, no the dump truck to drop drip deliver another load 7% Survival Rate spring- now the snow plow has mixed most of his driveway with the lawn he slowly sweeps it back and finds a dime growing in the grass coin date- 2008, August afternoon CAT scan, cancer, killer can't be, chemo is on Tuesdays and he's calling for the doctor, no the dump truck to drop drip deliver another load Survival Rate spring is at 7% the snow plow has mixed most of his driveway with the lawn he slowly sweeps it back and finds a dime growing in the grass coin date- 2008, August afternoon CAT scan, cancer, killer can't be, chemo is on Tuesdays and he's calling for the doctor, no the dump truck to drop drip deliver another load Spring at 7% the snow plow has thrown most of his driveway on the lawn he slowly sweeps it back and finds a dime growing in the grass- coin date, 2008, August afternoon CAT scan, cancer, killer can't be, chemo is on Tuesdays and he's calling for the doctor, no the dump truck to drop drip deliver another load Thanks for reading Last Edited By: rosered17 07/04/09 21:46:34. Edited 16 times.
MadelineD		#1	[-]
Posts: 6 (06/11/09 10:05:08) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Mar, I love how the alliterations and images come together in this poem to direct the reader straight to the core of this person's experience. I especially like "a dime growing in the grass/coin date-2008, August afternoon/CAT scan, cancer, killer/can't be, chemo" and . . . Okay. Never mind. I was going to try pulling out other images or lines that moved me, but I just really like this whole poem. The way the ending circles back on the beginning made me stop to consider the difference between a lawn (soft space we make in our lives for beauty) and a driveway (hard space we have to make because we need it) and what it feels like when life 'mixes' the debris from the hard spaces into the soft. I'd never thought about that in quite that way. But then, I'm a city girl without much experience with lawns or driveways. Thanks for slowing me down. The only thing I wonder about is whether the first line "spring at 7%" might be more effective at the end of the poem. I only ask because even with the title, I had a little trouble getting how/why spring would be at a percent until the winter images and the theme of the poem revealed the contrast. Even so, this poem really touched me. Thank you for writing. Madeline
rosered17		#2	[-]
Posts: 188 (06/11/09 15:01:25) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Thank you for reading, Madeline I'm glad you enjoyed it. I've been playing with the title and S1 for several days. I'd like to keep it sparse, but still convey the why/how within the first lines. Perhaps I posted it a bit too soon. We'll be out of town for at least several weeks, but I'm hoping to still find time to read, revise, and post. I have a possible revision that is posted below. Best, Mar 7% Survival Rate spring- and the snow plow has mixed (perhaps "now the snow plow has mixed") most of his driveway with the lawn he slowly sweeps it back and finds a dime growing in the grass coin date- 2008, August afternoon CAT scan, cancer, killer can't be, chemo is on Tuesdays and he's calling for the doctor, no the dump truck to drop drip deliver another load
casskc		#3	[-]
Posts: 69 (06/12/09 16:33:40) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	This line is one of the best I've read. Would it work in an opening line, I wonder: "he slowly sweeps it back and finds a dime growing in the grass "
rosered17		#4	[-]
Posts: 191 (07/02/09 14:28:01) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Thanks for reading and offering suggestions, casskc. I like the idea of that as a first line. Regards, Mar
toniclark		#5	[-]
Posts: 4094 (07/03/09 08:22:56) Administrator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	I keep coming back to this. I like the kind of surreal way the borders between different parts of life are blurred. Seems very real. We all work hard to keep our various selves and experiences compartmentalized. Mar, See the posting in the Lounge about a 7-in-7 in early August and do come and join us if you can. The challenge is to write a poem a day for 7 days. No detailed crits (we all know they're drafts), mostly encouragement. We had a wonderful group writing together through the month of April. Toni
rosered17		#6	[-]
Posts: 193 (07/03/09 16:48:12) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Thank you for reading and commenting, Toni. I'm pleased you like it. The 7-in- 7 sounds like fun. I'll try to join in. Mar
Judy		#7	[-]
Posts: 1288 (07/04/09 09:18:04) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Mar- I like this and the work you've done on it. The only thing I keep getting hung up on is this: killer can't be It just doesn't add to the poem for me. Not sure what's meant by it. Judy
rosered17		#8	[-]
Posts: 195 (07/04/09 20:02:40) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hi Judy. Thanks for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed it. The "can't be" in "CAT scan, cancer, killer can't be, chemo " is my attempt to portray the progression of his thoughts. After being diagnosed and told that his cancer usually kills people, he is thinking that this situation can not be true. Perhaps I could place "chemo" on the next line to express this better or add "this" before "can't be". Mar

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