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rosered17	Pink -revised	Lead	[-]
Posts: 179 (06/03/09 14:43:19) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Pink daylight blooms a table and a rose, walking in blue glass stamens step to show her moments in lavender - not an ending a shadow stretching lilac after lilac Pink daylight blooms a table and a rose, walking in blue glass stamens stepping show her moment in lavender - not an ending a shadow stretched lilac after lilac Pink daylight blooms a table and a rose, walking in blue glass stamens stepping showing her each moment in lavender - not an ending a shadow stretching lilac after lilac Margaret and Marygrace Hemme Last Edited By: rosered17 06/06/09 14:07:48. Edited 4 times.
judyswann		#1	[-]
Posts: 389 (06/03/09 17:42:05) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	well, I like this. It made me feel Japanese Judy
rosered17		#2	[-]
Posts: 181 (06/03/09 17:46:09) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Thanks for reading, Judy. I'm glad you enjoyed it. best, mar
gretasue2008		#3	[-]
Posts: 945 (06/03/09 18:29:09) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	I don't know what it would take to make me feel Japanese -- a 100 lb weight loss, lots of black hair dye and an abiding love for tea and rice, and knees that bend and unbend without thought. But with all of that missing, I like the visual, peaceful quality of this poem. I find it interesting that the title is absent (in color, lilac mainly) from the poem itself. A nice tension, that.
rosered17		#4	[-]
Posts: 183 (06/03/09 18:50:12) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	The knees that bend and unbend without thought would be nice, Greta. Thanks for reading and commenting. Best, mar
JudeGoodwin		#5	[-]
Posts: 1616 (06/05/09 21:33:02) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	This is a delicate piece with a wonderful beginning. I would suggest trying to rework is slightly to reduce the number of 'ing' words : walking, stepping, showing, ending, stretching for example daylight blooms a table and a rose, walking in blue glass stamens stepping show her moment in lavender - not an ending a shadow stretched lilac after lilac
rosered17		#6	[-]
Posts: 184 (06/06/09 02:33:08) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Thank you for reading and offering suggestions, Jude. We hadn't noticed all of the "ing" words. We'll continue to revise. Best, Mar
MadelineD		#7	[-]
Posts: 5 (06/09/09 10:12:55) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Mar, Thank you for this. I love the compact quality this poem, and I was completely engaged by its opening images "daylight blooms a table/and a rose, walking/in blue glass." That unexpected 'blooming' of a table with the coming of light juxtaposed with the blue glass has a quiet power. I also like the way poem moves the reader to discovery of a complete arrangement, image by image. I'm curious about "stamens step/ to show her moments" and about the "shadow stretching." It feels like there's an undercurrent that wants to reveal itself here. I look forward to seeing where you take this next. Madeline
rosered17		#8	[-]
Posts: 185 (06/09/09 13:58:40) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Madeline, Thank you for taking the time to read, comment and make revision suggestions. I'm so glad that you enjoyed it. Best, Mar

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