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OCTOGENARIAN |
tap water |
Lead | |
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saore |
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I think the poem could benefit from formal punctuation. Otherwise I would have to suggest different line breaks. I like the images in the poem, they are well
crafted.
Sergio |
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Siva Ramanathan |
I have difficulty reading this | ||
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Octogenarian If there were full stops I would know where one idea stops and with a capital letter,where the next idea begins. Also verbs will gain momentum. I
do not punctuate properly because I am still learning,but you have chosen not to punctuate because you want to make it open ended? Sivakami
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toniclark |
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This is definitely a different kind of writing from my own, but I want to read the piece on its own terms. I didn't find it too hard to follow, even with
the lack of caps and periods. I just have a few suggestions below.
I am frozen a mineral a fear tumor --- I didn't care for "fear tumor" but I'm sure that's just a personal preference. I'll think about it. my mind seeping snippets of Johnny Cash and her curled against the wall who will consume me --- The referent of "who" in the above line isn't clear. If it's "her," the line should probably be something like: and she, who will consume me curled against the wall little boy in the onion grass --- I'm assuming the "I" in the poem is this little boy in the onion grass, or is like a little boy in the onion grass. I drift into fortune and persuaded by hail storms I need to know only the silence between nuggets of ice --- Hailstorm is one word. rooms are motionless, hazy build me an alter of cardinals and wet grass open fields, a dog in the crest of a wave I am a sparrow without white only dried mud my bearings at the foot of the cross hear my gait my stripped, bare mind --- It's a little awkward to ask us to "hear my gait" when we've just been told "I am a sparrow." Thanks for posting. Be read our guidelines and be sure to comment on 3 poems for each one you post. Thanks. Feel free to stop in at The Starfish Lounge and introduce yourself. Toni |
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