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Siva Ramanathan

The Last Rites -edited

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10/04/10 07:38:26

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Last Edited By: Siva Ramanathan 10/05/16 12:05:18. Edited 7 times.

Siva Ramanathan

This really helps

  #1

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10/04/10 09:16:29

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Hi Poetema

 

Thank you.I shall work on it.Now it seems simpler to work on.

 

Sivakami

Siva Ramanathan

Edited

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10/04/10 09:39:29

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Last Edited By: Siva Ramanathan 10/05/16 11:50:52. Edited 2 times.

SurfPlug

  #3

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10/04/10 15:54:09

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I like it as a story to be honest in that is how I read it the first time. I like the edited portion as well, but then again what do I know.

drdan

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10/05/10 03:17:16

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Hi Siva,

This is a fascinating read--enjoyed.

I like you original version, and I wonder if it could be reworked as a prose poem? Much of the power of the piece depends on detailed description, and the feeling of how drawn-out and painful the processing of death is seems appropriately complimented by the slower, less compact delivery.

Dan

Osel

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10/05/10 10:16:28

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I prefer the orginal form as well--and I think it IS prosey, but that is your particular style. People will either like it or not. I enjoyed it. Thought you might edit a few telly bits--I wanted to simply see the gifts being distributed, and not told "like pacifying...sweetmeats".

Also, "judiciously" in the close might go. And then maybe change chess to chesslike craft.

I actuallly missed seeing the last strophe, and think the poem ends well at craft.

here:

I don’t remember,

was it hay, I must check that out and

I would take out everything but "was it hay?" which works very well for evoking a particular 'lapse' and suggests in a very subtle way, that the speaker might be of the age to begin to wonder if death would be a "panacea" to her...


Anyway, in my view, there's not that much to change here. I find it quite focussed, and think the ruminating suits.I like very much that it's the son who's sent to discover how the creamation takes place. And naturally, one likes to learn something. The mud and 'hay' oven makes such good sense to me! Might not leave "I was fluctuating, on its own line--seems a bit too pointed.

"how to monologue and drool" is one of those rare and curiously expressive phrases that are a hallmark of your stuff, as far as I can tell. There is an odd straightforwardness that is matter-of-fact and yet wildly, weirdly revealing. There seems to be no judgement in it--but there's a precise reportage that I find fascinating.


(when you try to edit your stuff down to makeit more 'to the point', you lose a lot of your own 'spice', if you will. Be careful of trying to condense the way condensing might suit someone else's writing. Yours has to follow (and learn) its own truest 'rules'.
Hope that makes sense.
A

 

Last Edited By: Osel 10/05/10 10:23:12. Edited 3 times.

Siva Ramanathan

  #6

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10/07/10 09:32:10

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Last Edited By: Siva Ramanathan 10/05/16 11:51:58. Edited 1 times.

Siva Ramanathan

Thanks all of you

  #7

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10/07/10 09:37:07

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Poetema, Surfplug, Drdan,Osal

Thanks all of you for the careful editing and your valuable suggestions.Sorry I took so much time.It has been a long while since I posted a poem and now I have forgotten how to.I spent hours on this one not editing but merely posting.

Siva Ramanathan

 

Stephen Bunch

  #8

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10/12/10 17:18:15

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For this reader, this piece is way too expository for a poem, and I'll never accept "monologue" as a verb. Sorry.

Jasperella

  #9

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10/14/10 15:10:44

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bump

Siva Ramanathan

even if I

  #10

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10/14/10 18:19:19

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Jasperella

Even if I appear  stupid,what does 'bump' mean? Is it that you are bored reading my poem?

We do not use this slang.here in India.

Sivakami

Jasperella

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10/15/10 18:29:29

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Settle petal, I mean no disrespect whatsoever by simply bumping your work (and others) above that disgruntled members shite due to his/her stupid lil hissy fit.

As for reading your poem, I've just done so now. I would like to offer an edit, but not until you control your current neurosis.

Cyn

  #12

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10/15/10 19:38:04

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if the below is your final revision then I think you have almost nailed it. It can still be cut however

Last Edited By: Cyn 10/15/10 19:45:15. Edited 1 times.

Siva Ramanathan

  #13

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10/16/10 00:49:15

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Cyn

Is it better to use the simple present.(Habitual action?"

 

When the body burns the rib cage will sit up  sits up
and the body guard
 will put it in place with a blow  puts it 
dealt with from his much used walking stick.

 

I wanted the son to come and tell me what happened because women are not allowed in the cremation ground.But I have started going the last couple of times.

 

Jaspella

I asked my daughter what ,'bump' meant and she said it is just 'hit.'And she also told me for Americans ,'hysterical 'means 'funny.'

Looking forward to your edit also.

Sivakami

 

Cyn

  #14

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10/16/10 09:05:58

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I like the simple present

bump in terms of these boards means someone is posting just to bump it up higher on the board, so others will read it. Jas was tying to get your poem more notice

Siva Ramanathan

now i know

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10/17/10 10:06:54

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Jaspella

Sorry.Now I know.



stupid lil hissy fit.

current neurosis.



Cyn

Thanks.I would never have guessed.



Jasperella

  #16

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10/18/10 13:49:19

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S

It is obvious to me the subject matter of the poem is far too close to your heart as yet to be effectively reproduced poetically. And it also well explains your attack of me.

All aside and of no consequence, I think you should write this piece from/in a second or third person perspective/tense:
like you're a fly on the wall watching it occur rather than actually participating emotionally.
When that is achieved and the current prosaic nature of the write dissipates, all that's left to do is to simply replace she and he with me and you.
 

best
J